Finding His Way Back
by mygrl
Summary: Bobby is being treated for depression and as he gets better, Alex begins to doubt about her place in his life. B/A friendship with stong hints of more.


Don't own them, blah, blah blah. Just my imagination. No right to them or anything LOCI related.

Finding His Way Back

Chapter 1

It was still sunny out. She looked at the time and realized that she was late, but these late days of spring, with the extra hour or so of sunlight sometimes tricked her into thinking it was earlier than it was. She pulled into the long driveway, past the dozen or so people sitting or walking on the lawn, some engrossed in conversation with loved ones, some laughing with friends, some even walking by themselves. She kept driving to the visitor parking area, pulled into a spot close to the building and turned off the ignition. She sighed. She would have preferred to have a few minutes to pull herself together, reign in her thoughts, but again, she was late. She quickly put on some lipstick, smoothed her hair, and got out the car. She purposely avoided looking up, she knew he was watching from his window, and she didn't want to be reminded that she was late. He was still the same in many respects, and his need for routinized punctuality had remained the same.

Her walk through the entrance always made her wonder if this was what his life had been like all those years caring for his mother. Ofcourse, this was different. His mother was sick, schizophrenic, and never left that place. He was clinically depressed, and once under control, he would be back. She hoped.

She got into the elevator, pushed the button and in no time at all she was on his floor. It was funny. The place was almost like a country club, where you had to sign in as a guest, and be announced. The hallway was rather grand, and as the doctors and therapists walked by, she sometimes wished she could flag one of them down and ask for a martini. It was nothing like the place his mother had been in , and she was grateful for that. She had talked to her old Captain, Deakins and he had pulled in a lot of favors to help get him into this place. It cost a fortune, certainly more that he could ever afford under normal circumstances. She glanced at the visitor log, briefly checking to see if she was his only visitor today, and she was. She sighed again wondering if at least Lewis had been by yet.

"Hello Detective Eames, nice to see you again".

"Hello Maddie" she said to the floor assistant. "How is everything? Your grandson still have the flu?"

"Oh, unfortunately, yes, but he's on the mend." She smiled as she turned the visitor sign-in book towards Alex.

"Good day for Bobby?" She asked while signing in.

"Seems to be a little better everyday, although, if you ask me, he seems a little anxious today. He's already expecting you. I think he was worried. Kept coming out here and asking if there were any accidents on the highway. Let's go." Maddie led her down the hall to one of the oak doors and knocked. "Detective Goren, Detective Eames is here". "Let me know if you need anything". She winked and walked away.

The door opened. She looked up at him, smiled and didn't wait to be led in. She pushed past him, and dropped onto the small couch and sighed while he closed the door.

"You're late, Eames, you were supposed to be here a half hour ago." He looked annoyed at her.

"Jeez, Bobby. Lay off, would you? I have a job you know." Immediately she regretted those words. She rubbed her hand over her face. "I'm sorry Bobby. I didn't mean.."

He waved the comment off. "Eh, it's ok. You're the only who tells it like it is. You don't treat me like I'm crazy".

"You're _not_ crazy, Bobby. You're depressed. There _is_ a difference. And I know _you_ know it."

He nodded and sat down. He looked so tired all of the sudden, as if it took all his energy just for the first three minutes of their visit.

"I feel so...out of place here. All this group therapy and one to one, you know I don't do well in social...situations."

"I hardly think that sitting with a group of depressed people is the same as trying to make conversation at a cocktail party". She snarked. When no response came, she continued "I hope you're doing what they say Bobby. Are you taking the new..."

"Yes. I think they're just waiting for the right combination of pills to kick in." "But the thing is, they want me talk about everything in my life up to and including now. I just...I can't."

"But Bobby.."

He cut her off

"Tell me what's going on at work, and with you."

She sighed. She walked over to the small refrigerator and took out a small bottle of caffeine free diet coke. And sat back down.

"Well.."

He cut her off again. "Wait, hold that thought, just a minute." He smiled and walked quickly out the door.

She opened the bottle, leaned back against the pillow (which smelled just like Bobby's aftershave and it warmed her) and waited. She really, really wanted some regular diet coke, but they didn't allow excess caffeine, excess sugar or anything that would interfere with normal sleep patterns. She snorted to herself. _Normal sleep patterns_. Depressed or not, Robert Goren had never had, nor would ever have normal sleep patterns. While she waited for him to return, she looked around again and although the room was comfey and warm, it was clear that certain things were missing. She remembered the day she and their former Captain brought him here. Just two weeks ago. Bobby was practically catatonic, barely speaking. He had agreed to check himself in, with the clear understanding on both their parts that he was free to check himself out whenever he pleased. Deakins and Alex had bristled at that statement, but agreed, if only to get Bobby the immediate help he needed. She thought about the "rule sheet" Bobby had to sign. He could bring magazines, and books, but no scissors, knives or razors (each day he was supplied with a disposable razor and one of the male orderlies waited in the "living room" while he shaved). No metal cans (too sharp), nothing that could be used to assist with a suicide. The thought brought tears to Alex's eyes and she started to remember how she found him...

"Here." He tossed her a bag of skittles. "I had to bribe Maddie to bring those in for me".

She was pulled out of her thoughts and managed to laugh. He loved the sound of it.

"What did you have to do in return?" Alex asked skeptically

Bobby shrugged. "I had to do the New York Times crossword puzzle for her, so she could show everyone and take credit for it". Again Alex laughed.

"Where were we?" she asked

"You were about to tell me what's going on with you and with work..."

"OK. Right. So today... oh my god Bobby. You would _not_ believe it. Logan and Falacci come in from this case, and they are screaming at each other. I mean screaming. He's telling her to get her unseasoned ass back to Brooklyn and she's going off on one thing or another and before you know it, Logan is on the phone, long distance to Europe, begging Wheeler to come back. In front of Falacci. You had to see it. Abrams and I were laughing so hard..." She stopped speaking when she looked at Bobby's face. He had stopped smiling and seemed to be getting agitated.

"What?" She asked

"So, you're getting along well with Abrams? What, so, is that why you were late? Abrams?" He got up and began to pace.

"What? Bobby? What are you talking about? That is _so _not the point of my story..."

"But you are. Right? He's your partner, right? Are you late because you were working with him and forgot about me?"

"Forgot about...again, Bobby, I have a job. And yes, Abrams is my _temporary_ partner. So yes, I do work with him. And yes, I am late because we were chasing a lead. And, the Logan and Falacci thing was funny dammit!".

Bobby didn't say anything. He stared straight ahead. Alex leaned back against he cushions and shook her head. "You know, Bobby, everytime I come here, the first few minutes are great and then...well...maybe my visits aren't helping you any. Maybe I should just..." He sat down hard next to her and grabbed her wrist.

"No, Alex, no. Please. I'm sorry. It's just that...I see you, and it feels so good. So _normal. _And then, you say something, and it reminds me where I am, where I'm not, and I just feel so...so.." He let her go and looked down. "Alex. I'm afraid. This depression. I want it to go away so bad. But, I get up in the morning and some days I feel like I can't move. I _can't move_. I don't want to think, eat, or drink. I just want to go back to sleep forever."

"But Bobby" she gently touched the side of his face. "But Bobby, you do get up, and you start your day, and you go to your _cocktail parties_ (he smiles at this), and you go on". "You have to keep going Bobby. You need to fight your way out of this. Please. For me. I need my _real_ partner back".

He shook his head sadly and didn't say anything at first. He looked like he was struggling to find the words.

"You know, it's not like I was committed or anything. I voluntarily put myself in here." He said softly.

Now it was Alex's turn to get agitated. "So, what, Bobby? What are you saying? That you're gonna check yourself out? Leave?" She walked over to the window where she had a clear view of her car. She shook her head to herself and began speaking hysterically "Cause, you know Bobby, I can't go through that again. I can't. I won't. When I found you there, if I hadn't come over, if I hadn't...I JUST CAN'T SIT BACK AND WAIT UNTIL YOU CHECK OUT FOR GOOD. If you leave this place, then what? Oh my god, Bobby..." He walked over and took her by the shoulders. "I won't Eames. Alex, I won't leave until I'm better". He wiped her tears away "I promise". She took a few deep breaths and blew her nose in the tissue he handed her.

He started to smirk. "You know...you seem a bit agitated. Maybe you should check yourself in and move into the room next door." She gave a small smile at this and he continued. "Yeah..yeah, it'll go like this. Goren and Eames will be solving all the crimes in the Stanton Rehabilitation Center. We'll find out who keeps supplying Mr. Meyers with the illegal caffeinated soda. Or, what's _really_ in those sugar free brownies they serve?" She let out a laugh at this "No, really. What do you say..huh?" His eyes actually sparkled for a minute and Alex looked up at him and smiled. She hadn't seen that spark for a long time, and now, even though it was just a second, she thought maybe he would be ok afterall.

Chapter 2

One week later...

Alex was a little surprised she hadn't heard from Bobby all day, asking what time she was coming. It was a little cloudy and the forecast called for thundershowers, so she was glad to get there before the real rain started. She walked in and nodded hello at a few of the faces she had come to recognize and continued to the elevator.

"Hey Maddie".

"Hello Detective. You know the routine." Alex smiled and signed the guest register.

"You can go right on down. I think his door is open." Alex raised her eyebrows at this, but continued down the hall and stopped at Bobby's door where she heard laughing. She thought to herself that she hadn't heard a real laugh like that from him in forever. As she walked in, she stopped short for a minute. There was a young woman she'd never seen before sitting on his couch and they were both smoking and laughing. Alex felt some sort of a pang inside her, but quickly squelched it down. She cleared her throat.

"Oh, Hey Alex!" Bobby got up and took her elbow and led her in. "This is Sandra, she's staying down the hall".

The young woman got up and smiled warmly at Alex, and stuck her hand out.

"Hi Detective Eames, I've heard a lot about you." Alex just smiled and nodded her head.

Sandra put her cigarette out and said "Well, Bobby, I'll see you later, you'll be there at 7:00 right?"

He nodded "Ofcourse. I won't let you face those vultures alone." They both chuckled and she left, closing the door behind her.

"7:00? Bobby. It's 6:15 now, that leaves just 45 minutes for us to visit". Alex said putting her bag down.

"I know, I'm sorry, I should have called you and told you to come earlier, the time just went by so fast today." He smiled, a real, genuine smile.

"You know, I do have other things to do. You really should've called me. I could have come tomorrow instead of when you weren't so... tied up." She was annoyed. _Why was she acting like this?_ She chastised herself.

"I'm sorry Eames. Really. But...I would've missed you if you didn't come today." He smiled a charming, very Bobby smile and she couldn't help but forgive him.

"God, Bobby, this place stinks from smoke. When did you start smoking again?"

He looked down sheepishly. "I know, I know. But, it's the only vice they allow here. So.."

The rest of the visit went by quickly. Bobby told her very little about his sessions, and she shared bits and pieces about the past few days and she actually thought Bobby was rushing her out when she left. Alex left feeling unsettled. Which made her feel bad, because Bobby actually seemed to be so much better. She couldn't help but wonder how much this "Sandra" had to do with it.

Chapter 3

Saturday...

"Eames". Alex was distracted when her cell phone rang. She hadn't even bothered to check the number

"Alex?"

"Bobby, oh god, so sorry. I'll be there a little late. It's just, I have so many errands to run this weekend, and the time is getting..." He cut her off before she could finish.

"Actually, Alex, uh...I was hoping maybe you could come tomorrow instead."

"Well, tomorrow's Sunday Bobby. You know I spend the day with my nephew." She sighed "But I guess.."

"No, no. don't worry about it. Why don't you just come Tuesday, like usual?"

She was silent. What was happening here? Did he not want to see her?

"Why?" she asked

"Why what?" Bobby sounded confused

"Why can't I come today?"

"It's just...there's a friend who needs me...who's been having a hard time...and wants" he was stammering. But Alex was more than a little perturbed. She had no idea where her next statement came from:

"Well, I'm your friend and maybe I need you too. Or don't I matter anymore?" She spit out.

He was silent. "Al...Alex. C'mon. Ofcourse you matter. How could you...I mean..."

"Forget it Bobby. Just...I'll see you Tuesday." She hung up and choked back a sob.

Sunday went by very quickly, she had a great time with her nephew as usual. Monday found her busy, but she and Abrams were only working on paperwork, so when Jimmy Deakins called to see if she wanted to lunch. She jumped at the chance. She met him two blocks from work at a small little Italian place and felt a little happier upon spotting him. She never really allowed herself to think about how much she missed him, both as her superior and as a friend.

After a quick embrace they were seated.

"So. I went to see Bobby this morning." He eyed her over the menu and continued "He seems to be doing great. I wonder how much longer he'll be there." The waiter came over and they ordered and he continued "You know, when I got there he was talking to some people, and he was all animated, flaying his arms around, laughing, I swear Alex, it was like the 'Goren Show' all over again. Like the old days."

"Noooo. The old days would've included me".

Deakins frowned at this. "Alex, I would think you of all people would be _ecstatic_ that he's getting better. He's relating and meeting with people. What's this all about?"

"Nothi.."

Deakins shook his head. "And don't tell me 'nothing'."

"It's just that..he's smoking again, did he tell you that? And these people, these total strangers, this 'Sandra' (saying her name she crinkled her nose), he tells her things. Things he won't tell me. Why not me? Why the HELL not me? I'm the only one who has been there for him. And now...now"

Deakins was quiet and looked at her closely. He waited until the food was in front of them and he placed a hand over Alex's. "Alex. You're jealous. And I won't even ask you where this is coming from. I just think you need to put your own feelings aside for Bobby's sake. We almost lost him. _You_ almost lost him. He's getting better. Try to remember, one of the main reasons he's getting better is for _you_. Look, I don't understand this 'group therapy' stuff either. But it can't be easy to talk about the horrors of your life with total strangers and not form some kind of bond with them." He patted her hand gently "Give him room. You are the one constant in his life. He knows this. OK?"

Alex nodded. Hearing those words made her feel a bit better, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being replaced. But she straightened up and the rest of the lunch found Alex bitching about Ross and Deakins laughing and giving her suggestions on how to deal with him.

Chapter 4

Tuesday afternoon dragged on as Alex kept checking her watch. She spoke to Bobby early that morning, and since he was "on his way to group", he told her that 6:00 sounded great, and that he had a one on one session with a doctor at 4:00, so he would have the rest of the evening free. That made her happy and she found herself looking forward to seeing him as the day wore on.

Alex arrived at 6:00 on the dot (the traffic was especially light and Alex felt that was a good sign). Upon arriving at his door, however, she found herself once again walking in on what seemed to be a deep conversation between Bobby and 'Sandra'. This time the room was filled with smoke and one glance at the ashtray on the table told her why. They must have been chain smoking. She coughed and made herself known. This time, Bobby and Sandra both looked up, but neither of them moved off the couch. It took a minute before Bobby even seemed to recognize she was there.

"Oh, god, is it 6:00 already?" He checked his watch and finally stood up. Alex said nothing and looked over to Sandra. Sandra didn't move. Alex coughed again, this time the smoke was really getting to her.

"Oh, Eames, sorry...sorry. I know you hate the smoke. C'mere". He walked her into the hall and put a hand on her shoulder. "Alex, uh...listen" Alex put a hand up in front of him.

"Don't even say it, Bobby. You better not be asking me to leave."

"Well, Alex, Sandra, she's going through a rough time and..."

"So? You're not her doctor Bobby. You're another patient". She couldn't help the annoyance that crept into her voice.

"Yes, that's true." He said evenly "But, we've experienced a lot of the same things in our lives. She gets me."

Alex nodded slowly, repeating him, "She gets you."

"Yes"

"I see."

He was silent. He looked at her face, trying to read what was in her eyes. _Anger, disappointment...jealousy?_

"But, I don't _get _you. Is that it?" She looked him in the eyes. "Is it Bobby?"

"No, I didn't say that".

"You don't have to. Anyway, I'm here now, and you're asking me to leave? You live here 24 hours a day, and can talk to 'Sandra' anytime you want, but you can't spare a few hours for me?" Now her voice was getting louder and Bobby tried to calm her by once again putting his hand on her shoulder but she brushed it off. "You know what, Bobby, go. Go back to 'Sandra' and wallow in your self-pity, and talk about what horrible lives you've had and how no one 'gets you'". She started to shake at that point and had to take a deep breath. "You probably laugh at me and think about what a charmed life you think I've had. Right Goren? Is that what you do?"

Bobby was stunned. He didn't know what to say, or where this was coming from.

"No, Alex. You can't really think that. I'm sorry I haven't been as available...I'm sorry"

"Goodbye Bobby. Call me when you get out. Maybe we can catch up sometime." And with that, Alex turned her back and left. Leaving Bobby standing there with his mouth open.

Chapter 5

Thursday morning

"Eames." Alex and Abrams had just finished interviewing a witness, when her phone rang. As she was picking up, she recognized the number as Lewis's.

"Detective Alex" She always laughed at the 'sing-song' way he said her name. She smiled in spite of herself.

"What's up Lewis? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

" I went to see Bobby last night." She didn't say anything so he continued. "He was pretty down. I thought he had been making progress, but I think something may have caused him to regress." Again silence so he took a deep breath and continued "I think you should go see him".

"Lewis...you know, he has plenty of people there who understand him and can help him through. Especially his friend 'Sandra'. Have you met her? They chain smoke together and go to group therapy together, and who knows what else they do when the lights go out. Apparently, they "get each other".

Lewis was silent for a minute. "Jealousy does not become you Alex". He said softly

"Jealousy? Please. Give me a break. What do I have to be jealous of? I'm not the one in a rehab center, on suspension from my job. Jealous? Really Lewis, I think you're breathing in too many of those toxic fumes from the cars you work on."

"You know what Alex. I've always told Bobby how lucky he is to have you in his life. And I know you mean a lot more to each other than either of you wants to let on. But hey, that's your thing, your relationship, and who am I to interfere. But he really needs you now. Please. Get over whatever this is and talk to him."

She thought for a moment "Lewis, if I do this, if I go see him will you let me drive that '62 mustang you've been working on?"

"You play hardball, detective Alex, but ok. Go see him and it's yours for the weekend."

Alex smiled to herself. An excuse to go make up with Bobby and she gets the 'stang. Things may be looking up.

Chapter 6

Friday night

Alex called ahead and left a message for Bobby that she was coming at 7:00 and to call her if that time wasn't any good. Lewis made good on his promise and Alex picked up the car at 5:45 and headed straight to see Bobby.

When she arrived, she was surprised to see Bobby outside on lawn talking to Sandra. He saw her immediately, leaned in to say something to Sandra, and turned to the walkway where Alex was making her way up.

"Hey" she said warily

"Hey. Nice car. Lewis?" Bobby bent down to meet her eyes

"Yeah, it was a bribe." He looked confused and she laughed. "Forget it. So..."

"So. You want to tell me what the other day was all about?" Leave it to Bobby to forget all social graces and go for the jugular. Well two can play at that game.

"Why do you feel like you can tell Sandra everything about your life, yet leave me in the dark. You've known her for what, one month? And me, what 8 years?"

"This is about Sandra? Are you...jealous?"

She shifted uncomfortably on her feet. "Can we just, go inside or something, I don't want to stand here and have this conversation".

"No. It's a nice night. Let's walk". He lightly pulled her along for a minute and they stopped at a bench by a small pond. He took a deep breath. "Alex. There are things about these people, things about Sandra that I can relate to. And no matter what you do, you can't. You can't understand. And I wouldn't want you to." He wrung his hands back and forth and continued. "You don't know what it's like for your father to walk out on you. You don't know what it's like to become head of your household when you're eleven. Or for your mother to be so sick, mentally and physically. To be abandoned by your brother. To have _no one". _These are horrible things Alex. They have chipped away at my soul, and led me down a path that I thought I was destined to take. I can't tell you about Sandra, or any of these other people, because it's not right, it's private. But I can tell you that they have all been hurt or wounded in ways that have pushed them to the edge. Like me". He peered sideways at her and continued "It's like this. You were a surrogate mother. You were pregnant and for nine months you had a living being inside of you. You nurtured him, sacrificed for him and in the end, you gave him away. Now, you could try to explain it to me, or a million people, but no one except another surrogate mother will ever understand what you went through. I can empathize with your feelings, but I didn't feel them. Do you get it?"

Alex's eyes teared up. "I never thought of it that way" she said softly. They sat in silence for a few moments and then she added "I don't want to be replaced."

He turned to look at her and tilted her chin up towards him so they were looking at each other eye to eye.

"Alex. No one could ever, ever, replace you in my life or in my heart. You were my reason for trying to get better in the first place. But I needed to get better for me". She nodded as a tear escaped her eye. "When we started out, before we became whatever we are, back when we were just partners, we were on equal footing. But year by year, blow after blow began happening to me, and we were no longer equals. You were carrying more than your fair share of the load. I don't want it to be that way anymore Alex. I know I can depend on you, but I want you to be able to depend on me". She nodded again, silently. He grabbed her hand and placed it on his heart. "You have nothing and no one to be jealous of Alex. When I come back, I'm coming back to _you_."

They sat for a while in comfortable silence and when it was totally dark, Alex got up to leave.

"Bobby, you know, I've never minded carrying the extra load. But I have to admit, it would be nice to have someone to lean on again. Things haven't been easy lately for me either. So, if you could try and hurry it up a bit, find your way back soon..."

"I'm almost there". He assured her.

"Ok then" she nodded.

"Ok then"

She reached up and kissed him gently on the cheek. As she started to walk away, he pulled her back and kissed her softly on the lips. She blushed and looked up at him hesitantly.

"I have to give you something to look forward to. For when I come back". He said shrugging

"Just like you Goren. Full of surpises." She walked away, and called out to him as he was walking.

"Hey Bobby?"

"Yeah?"

"Did I ever tell you, I love surprises?"

Bobby smiled and waved and walked to the entrance. For the first time in his life it was clear to him where he wanted to be. He truly was finding his way back. And he never intended to stray from that path again.


End file.
